I'm gonna have a badass scar
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
