dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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