Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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