Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
