I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
