He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
