Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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