he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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