Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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