There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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