I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
