This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
