we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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