She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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