Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
