the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
