I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
