I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
