just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Randomize
