I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
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