u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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