forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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