u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I can't turn off my feet"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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