woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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