My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
