Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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