The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
