so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
