Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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