what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
