all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
