When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
