god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
