I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
