I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
