He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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