Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
40s are totally the cure
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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