Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
