Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
