He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
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I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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