I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
