Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
