This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
