Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
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we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My ass is underappreciated
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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