it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
