i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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