I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
