ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
