I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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