I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
