Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
