So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
