This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
