You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
