I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
