I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
