When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
