so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
