My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
