I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
