Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
