im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
